It will never be enough.

I have been dealing with some pretty harsh realities in the last few weeks. I have been working in an environment, probably of my own doing, that frustrated me to no end. I have poured myself into the job and taken care of things that needed to get get done even thought here was nobody else to do them. I am beginning to feel as if I am a crutch that everybody leans on whenever there is a task that is unpleasant or nobody wants to do. Some times it seems that that is the management style around there, throw out something that needs to be done and wait and see how long it takes for somebody to make it happen. I am really not trying to blow my own horn here. I am not the greatest thing since sliced bread. I just like things to be done and done well.

Another harsh reality is that I am getting older very rapidly. I can’t do half the things I want to and even more of the things I used to do. But the things I don’t want to do are stacking up on me like crazy. I do like to work on stuff and mow the grass and wash the cars. But my body just can’t take too much any more. I had to lie down tonight after pitching some balls to my son. That made me feel terrible. I told my wife last night, it gives me joy to help out around the house, and if it hurts, so what.

Harsh issue number three, money. It is always a harsh issue. In these times everybody is saying how bad the economy is and that things are terrible. I am not looking at it like that and I probably never will. The economy is not going to be my excuse for not taking care of my financial obligations. If I have to get another job, so be it. I am not going to sit on my back side and whine about the economy when I am blessed with a good paying job, reasonable debt that gets smaller all the time and soon will be none. Until my daughter starts college in 2011. But that is for another day.

So why would I title this it is never enough? Because as hard as I try, as much pain as I can take, as much money I can earn, and as many times as I can apologize for making mistakes, it never is enough to satisfy those around me. I am surrounded by leaches? I don’t think so. Do they not care about me? I think they do. Am I being selfish? I hope not. I am just feeling tapped out.

If you are going to make me wear 6 different hats at work, can I get compensated? If I am going to endure the pain to do what my family needs and wants from me, could I get a little back? If I am trying to be financially sound and minimize my debts to others, maybe you should too?

The phrase slippery slope has been overused for so long I don’t think we realize what it means anymore. This is it. It is so slippery I may not reach the top until I hit the bottom. (For the record, I probably have a few times).

The way I see it is in order to not feel so overwhelmed, I have to apply the never enough philosophy to the things I can control. Is my faith strong? never enough. Is my love for my family strong? never enough. Have I learn all I need to know? never enough. Have I put the in the effort to make this project succeed? never enough.

So with all that said, I am resolving to work harder, love stronger, believe and trust in God more, and worry about what I can control. Hopefully those around me will notice and realize I am trying and realize that all I have to give may be just enough.

Flock falls short, again

If you have ever tried using Flock, it has some cool features. I find myself wanting more though. I use Seesmic as my twitter/Facebook interface and it work beautifully and I was hoping that with Flock they would have improved on their interface within the browser and sadly I was wrong. For those who haven’t tried it, the best way I could describe it is an attempt to bring usability into a browser that plug-ins and apps are usually used for. From within the browser you can set up photo/video uploader, blogs, twitter Facebook, and al. The concept is brilliant but it lags in updates to the twitter client and the photo uploader bogs my old machine down. So I suggest using good old Firefox and installing the plugins (or not) to get what you need the way you want it.

Flock in concept is a great idea, for me it just slows me down. Good effort, but I will pass, again.

Love,

P

Getting some cool tools to get back in the game

I am so wanting to blog more often I have been looking for ways to make it easier. Flock was the thing that got me going earlier and finally I have returned to it after seeing it recommended for Linux machines and I have jumped back on. It is running better than before and I am going to give it a real workout over the next few days.

Just a little rant to make me feel better.

Sometimes I just feel like going off on anybody about anything at any moment. Well here goes:

Is it really fun to treat me like shit?

• I bust my ass to get things done so that the people I work for look good. And then I get shit on whenever I make any kind of suggestion based on my actual experience rather than pulling stuff out of a book or my ass for that matter. I don’t claim to know everything, but what I do know could be valuable in your decision making process since I am the one that is going to have to make your plan work.
• I bring home a decent paycheck and I take care of the things that family members ask me to do. But do I have to think for you too. I graduated from High School and got 2 Associates Degrees and some 4 year classes. I don’t have to do it again. And the fact that I took computer classes in the late 1990’s, actually the first one was around 1984 on a TRS-80. (10 “Good Times”. 20 goto line 10. ) It doesn’t mean I am any better at attaching files to an email than you are and you don’t need me to make sure you did it right. Oh, and the trash cans that are laying on the grass when i get home since they picked it up in the afternoon and everybody has went past at least once, I am not the only one that knows where it goes.
• I hurt all the time. That is why I don’t do things like go for walks or play soccer in the yard or wrestle with the kids or sit on the floor and play games. I have a 50% disability rating for a reason. I take 800mg ibuprophin at least once a day just to get by. GIVE ME A BREAK. I don’t like doing those thing as much as I used to because it HURTS to much. I am sitting in a reasonably comfy chair at my desk and I am in pain. Don’t ya’ll get it?
• Please stop saving up conversations or questions until you think it is the right time to discuss it. The right time is now. If you wait and hit me with 15 different things when we finally get a few moments of peace, it isn’t a few moments of peace, it turns back into get things done mode.

Please feel  free to comment. I would love to hear from anybody that is feeling my pain or wishes to add to it. I really just want to hear from you.

I GOT BEAT INTO SUBMISSION

Since I have deleted all of my social media accounts I don’t know if anybody will even read this but it will make me feel better if I would explain what is going on. A loved one seems to have an issue with my phone going off and me getting on the computer to Twitter or update my Facebook account to the point of me not even wanting to do it anymore. I deleted my Twitter account on Sunday I think and deactivated my Facebook shortly after that. It has been very quiet as far as my phone going of and at least 2 more hammers that were used to beat me into submission are retired.  I hate that this is happening but I cannot get over the fact that it keeps getting brought up and that they think I am playing F’ing Farkle 8 hours a day instead of working and there is no way to convince them otherwise, I just cut off the source. So there is the explanation, it sucks and I am not happy about it but hopefully this person will understand that everything I enjoy does not mean I can’t live without it. I have all ready stopped blogging regularly, a podcast that I really enjoyed doing whether anybody listened or not, and now Twitter and Facebook. Soon I will probably shut off texting on my phone and go back to dial up. By the way, they still have their Facebook account so enjoy.

The summer break, then and now.

Having just completed the month of July and the break-neck flurry of acticities that the first two month of summer break have me physically and mentally exhausted, I have been reflecting on the way things were when I was in school and the way things are now.

The major difference that I notice as the father of 3 ages 16, 10, and 4 is the dependency on others to entertain them. I don’t know when that happened but it seems as if they cannot find things to entertain themselves that do not require adult assistance. We have swimming classes, ice skating, tee ball, and color guard scheduled throughout the summer and they are fun things that they enjoy doing. The down time is the killer. My wife prepared the “Bored Box” that has small peices of paper with tasks on them that will be drawn when the phrase, “I’m bored” or “there is nothing to do”. THis was implemented early in the summer and has only been utilized a few times.

When I was a kid we would find our freinds on our bikes and start playing whatever from morning til night. We got into trouble, had a ton of fun, and actually enjoyed having nothing to do but hang out. With my kids it is a constant deluge of “Can we go to Hawaiian falls?” “Can you take me to Six Flags?” “Can you do something with me?” Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy doing all those things. I wouldn’t have ok’ed the purchase of season passes for thiose places if I didn’t, but I like to go on my terms. The last thing I want to do after working 8 hours with an hour in traffic each way is drive up to Six Flags and hang in lines with folks that have been in the 100 degree heat all day and all you can smell is BO and funnel cakes. If you are not 100% on board with dealing with all that, it can suck the life right out of you. Watching them have fun is great, standing in line with them for 45 minutes for a ride that isn’t all that great after the 50th time you ride it, not so much. Hawaiian Falls is much closer but it has it’s issues with the mere fact that it is a water park. Kids everywhere, shade that is overwhelmingly crowded with hot and sweaty humans that are eating whatever as they sport the awkwardly small (not in a good way) swimming attire. I am guilty of this as I have a few extra pounds but my suit is not that small. Proportion, people, remember proportional attire. 550 lbs tattooed hispanic does not equeal a 38 inch waistband with elastic so taught his lower extremeties look like an atlas. It can be a blast if the heat is bearable and the crowd is not too bad, but if it is overcrowded the wave pool look like a back yard plastic pool full of 16000 minnows. For the good of it all we are learning how to manage the time well so we miss the times that things are bad so we have good experiences most of the time.

I pointed out to my daughter the other day that what she did on Friday and Saturday, would consist of an entire summer vacation for some. Going to Hawaiian Falls on Friday and Six Flags on Saturday in which we got to see Jesse McCartney in concert, would be a busy vacation for us back then. I only remember one time that we went anywhere of note. Most of the time we would go visit relatives and enjoy whatever local flavor was there. Not that we didn’t have a great time, but it was just different.

New Phone, New Perspective.

I have once again had a moment that has changed my life. I finally got a new phone that does more than answer calls. My wife and I upgraded just last week. She got the LG Xenon and I got an LG Vu. I have become more productive and more distracted at the same time.
The only thing similar to what I am experiencing was when we got a DVR. It transformed the way we watch TV. This thing is changing how I do everything.
It is more of a PDA than I have ever had. I have the ability to take photos,video, and all that good stuff. Here’s an interesting tidbit. We don’t have a data plan. My friend is telling me that when that happens it will change me even more. I am excited and afraid. Should I be?

Hey Guys!

It has been a very busy and productive spring. My work has relocated to a new hangar and we actually had more tech issues than I was prepared to deal with. Now that i am back in the swing of things I wanted to post what has been going on. To my brother, Andy, I am very sorry that I have not been able to do the show or post any thing at FTHTTT. I have been going so fast with Tee Ball, Color Guard, and other kid related activities by the time I get home I have totally forgot about it and it is too late to get online and get it done. To be honest i have not even had the chance to watch any racing, let alone form an opinion.
I have been working on learning about the open source movement and putting as much of it to work as i can get my hands on. I have created an ubuntu laptop now and am really enjoying it. I have a dual boot vista/ubuntu machine at home now and am loving it.

Stress Break

It has been a while since I last wrote and I am having a seriously crappy day. Things are beginning to happen around here and people are starting to realize the things I have been trying to bring to their attention actually need their attention. So I am getting looks like why didn’t you handle this when I give them the answer that Ihave been waiting on you to decide and it is really frustrating. Then I get routers and access points that have minds of their own. And now the computer that I actually do work on is acting crazy so as I wait for AutoCAD to uninstall so I can clean install it again I reach for the laptop and relieve some stress. I think I should watch a movie or something tonight,

Hey Everybody!

Sorry for the gap in posts. Things have been happening quickly around here. We have had family emergencies, new offices in which I (the default IT department) had to setup everything from cat5 connectors to printers to phones. But I guess that is job security, maybe.

If you have read my post in the past you know that I have been diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia. Then after trying a medication that worked well I was told that the insurance would not pay for the prescription. After consulting the doctor who gave me some other solutions that were similar to what I had all ready been doing. I went to the VA and got the prescription filled by just showing the doctor my results and talking with him. Nothing too it.

I have been taking it for 3 days now and I feel better and worse. I was drinking 5 or 6 cups of coffee a day just to stay awake. Well, now I have to cut that back and the headache is starting to bother me. The mention of drinking decaf makes me cringe. I have also noticed that I become irritable in the evening. I don’t know if that is the medicine wearing off or a sign that I need to go to bed. I am fighting through it but I don’t want to bother my family. Over the last 2 days I have managed to more done than I would in a week.

My wife has been working on the flower beds and it really looks nice. She has great ideas on what to do with the little area that we have. I know she likes doing that but she seems very frustrated while doing it and I can’t figure that out.